i dun understand adults and how they think... really not... im not old to analyse wat they r thinking abt... i just want to be a sweet 19 yrs old girl. Teenagers are supposed to be rebellious, and i want to be one. well, in such a way that i dun get control for my every single move. i just dun get it.. why do they want me to be whenever they want?? i ve my life... it's not like im totally rebellious or anything... i want to be 19... like wat my frens say... 19 liao still cannot go out until night... my parents dun allow i accept that bcos i know myself... well, not actually. but still, some things i want to be in charge... some times when i say no, i mean it... but bcos of filial piety, i still follow their instruction... what happen when im 20 plus?? do i still want to be under their control? do they want to control me for the rest of their lives... i realised y parents can force their children to their death road... bcos they make it to be... they make their path and how they are like... i noe they want their child to be perfect, but surely they noe not everyone is up to their standards... we are humans, we have flaws... i dunno how to make a good human... not everyone knows... u cant teach bcos u do not noe it urself too. sometimes when u do something, ppl will either agreed with u or be suspicious of what u think and y u did that way... u cant persuade everyone to agreed with you... what u think is right for you, do it... i dun want to be manipulated.. i really dun want to... but i dun ve a choice. everyday im tormented when i go out... i feel their eyes on me... when i look at myself in the mirror outside, i really think, "u r an ugly person inside out"... and y do i say so? cos im being manipulated in the mind... ppl make fun of me... i cant think straight, i can say that im not ugly, im a good person... ppl dunno that... the way they think is the way u behave.. u r responsible for ur own action, that's y u r manipulated... u r controlled by ppl's mind... u care what others think abt u... u do whatever u think is right to please their eye. im talking abt myself right here, right now.. bcos im angry that my mother force me to do something i dun want to do, and i dun like to do... none of the houseworks thingy, but it's the way she forces u to do... and when she got this tone to talk to you, u dun want to listen to her even more. so u just want them to shut up, shut out of your face... and u nod along and hope they ignore u if u agree to what they say.. what my brother says is right... bcos of the way she's talking to me, she make me dun want to listen to her even more. though im ur daughter, im still a human.. u want me to do this? fine. give me a reason y i must do it. u cant force me... in the end, u just get me to hate you for this.. and whatever things u explain after that wont make it up cos u r still speaking to me like that.. what do u get for this?? a filial daughter or the rebellious one? im feeling like one of those children there who finally understand what they've been through... if u all had told me, "i told u so". im filled with anger and frustration that's y i decided to pour my hearts out here. pardon me for the long essay... but i really needed to trash it out inside the diary...
i always get angry when my father says, "dun mixed with too much boys, dun let them ve the chance to drug u. precisely what happen when u stay out at night". until now i still dun get it. y is it they must think this way? if u mix only with ur frens and those trusted frens, these things wont happen rite? not if u drink with ppl u dunno... not if u got out with untrusted frens' fren. if that's really happened to u, i believe ur trusted frens will still protect u from those harm... i dun get it, y? cos i nv got the experience to get it... im not saying that i want the experience.. but ever, ever if such things were to happen, ppl must learn their lesson or they nv would get it... if u dun let me go out for just one day... assume nothing would happen if u r going out with a group of trusted frens, how would i noe if such things would really happen? i mean.. i dun want them to happen, i mean not every night will have recurring scenarios, would it? not everyone on the dark street is bad... if that is so, wouldnt i be one? so u think im bad if i were to walk out with frens in the dark night? y would anyone care abt u when all they do is do walk around the streets with their frens... u r just another passerby... u r not those regulars who go into the same bar every week.. plus u dun even go to bars/pubs... just walk where there's ppl... do u mean that i ve to be in pubs to prove that ive been out all night?? no right... frens could be sitting somewhere chitchatting.. not even in some undecent place... what could happen if u r in starbucks or any cafe?? u r just talking with frens and seriously, i dun think anyone would want to get into trouble by provoking u or something.. u r walking out there, and i dun think ppl would be stupid enough to be trying to do anything funny if there's ppl walking out there too... let's say u want to stay at a fren's hse, in this case for me, it's a gal pal. what u all would think is safe right?? ok ma... i think is alright.. but nooooooo, my parents would ve this outrageous thinking -- not ok, what if the father is a pervert?? i mean a trusted fren's father cannot be right... where got so many these kind of cases happen one... if convenience is what they r afraid of, we r only staying for the night not the whole day... they dunno ur frens they would say, do i ve to bring them back to tell u which one is approving to ur eyes?? if one look can tell if the person is bad anot, u might as well go be a psychiatrist... haiz... go out with them say nv see them b4... bring my frens back and u will be not happy abt it.. then what should i do?? bring u out to show them instead?? dun think of me as ur forever filial daughter who will always do ur bidding... if one day im not, dun get disappointed bcos u r asking for the impossible.. dun ever say, what has happen to u? in the past, u were so obedient, now u r like rebelling to whatever i ve to say.. ppl can change. and change into someone u dun expect them to be and when it's not when u wanted it to happen... that's life...
im back to myself, i ve already pour my bloods out... im being 19. even if im not, im just being me... i cant bring myself to reality.. i want to live where i want to live in. that's me.