dun talk to me.. im angry now.. at who? at myself.. i begin feeling mood swings these few days.. or is it just after the weekends. my mother n brother had brought up the facts that i dunno how to be a good person. they ve list out all my negative points. though u think it may be my points only... but i can tell u my negative points are definitely more than most ppl ve. u needa me to tell u cos 1 point is my physical body... that makes the major of my weakness already. bcos of my body, my mother keeps worrying for me.. abt my well being. not that its not good... but it could be that bad that i dunno how to take care of myself... for my 20 years of living, i ve a mother who constantly care for me. she's the best.. however, she also make me to be dependent on ppl.. i could nv be independent.. another thing is, she din teach us lots of things in the past. she din tell us to do household chores since young. we nv ve the habit of washing the dishes or washing the clothes or cleaning our own stuffs. although we r brought up nice and good, i nv learn how to take care of myself. she always take food for us, thus spoiling us. always letting her to serve us. i nv know how to buy food.. cos i always bring food to sch... i always dun want to go opp to buy food cos im lazy.
i inherit all the bad points from my father. i inherit his insensitiveness, the bad skin, the stubborness. as a result, i dunno how to care for ppl, always thinking of myself first. i dun think of their feelings.. its always a bad thing for me.. no good first impression always.. im dao.. i heck care about the stuff ard me. the priority is me... although i wont let myself die of starving, i still concern abt me. and me only. friends? i dun ve any b4 poly. maybe those were aquaintances, but i dun call them friends.
now work just sucks.. my mother thinks i offend my supervisor cos i nv get any work from them. now at work is just slacking. though now i still ve something going on la.. updating the database.. rebecca gotten all the job.. they ask her to stay as well.. my mom tots its becos of my poor job performance, my daoness, my constant illness.. of cos u all ppl know that i can be sick for long.. they dun. she also told me that i need to report to them after i finish my work. apparently i din care. i gotten a B though.. the first month i gotten C. the thing is, they din ask me to stay.. well, not that i care.. but its just frustrating..
all these just add up and i bottle up my feelings.. i haven had this feeling for quite a long time. today, i just bcom moody.. they better not talk to me...
another thing, wats going to happen to me after i graduate? i dunno wat job to take up.. i suggested being a part time nurse.. my mom says im cannot take up the job.. they'll need me to fill the medicine bottles n i would just spill them.. its true, i COULD spill them. im just that clumsy. and i dun ve the balance. which make me think of another thing. i cannot drive. i cannot control the car. i cannot take the steering wheel in my own hand and make a nice steer. cos i simply cannot balance the car with my shaky limbs. its only natural. did i say i nv do PE b4? do not ask me wat my CCA was. sports? dun even think abt it.. i can only swim..
my nerve tangles.. i dunno wat happen to me whenever i start to walk or when i suddenly stand up. something just pull me back. i stopped to let myself recover from the bad nerves. i nv tell my mother abt it. i figure if this prolong, i might develop a bigger problem. one day, i shall go to the SGH for checkup. it starts to happen when i was in primary 5. yes, i can tahan this until now. but i tot that my grad ceremony is coming, my parents r coming. i dun want ppl to know that i ve this prob. y u think thats going to happen? cos i gotta take my cert and when that happens, my nerve r gonna go tangle up all over. what is going to happen? as usual, im going to ve to cope with it lo. y m i blogging this? i just wanted someone to know. so far i only told my ex that i got this serious prob.
bcos of my dependent n my prob(my nerve and my shaky limbs), i can nv take those food with soup. y u think that i always ask ppl to help me with them? cos i knew the soup would spill. i would look like an idiot going to my table. and before i reach the table, i would look like an idiot standing n staring in space. bcos of this, im able to do anything for u ppl. forgive me.. i could not offer to buy drinks, not offer to buy food.. forgive me.. is that y im unable to take care of the ppl ard me. cos i can hardly take care of myself. im such a loser.
y do i not want to get up from my seat to get things or go to the toilet? cos i would again, stand n stare into space like a goondo. u can laugh. but its not a joke. its something terrible. i called this the pakis disease. or at least i tot so. according to the medical book, pakis disease make ppl lose control of themselves. and i tot i gotten that. n the age range who should ve gotten that disease? 50 n above. i dunno y im one of the rare to get that. although i din really go to the doc to check my prob but i figure out it should be this disease. whatever.
for those who read this blog. pls do not spread. its only for ur concern. thanks.
whenever i think of these problems, i think im a saddist. i rely on ppl too much.
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