im always angry / upset with myself. i seriously do have brain defect. how else do u explain all the queer things that has happened to me??

Sometimes i know thinking too much doesn't help at all. But not thinking alone doesnt mean that my problems will go away. Things that i can see, hear, touch and feel just make me think more, and its just more upsetting, cos its hard to find someone who actually know. Every individual is unique you know.

I will probably nv understand the way i am, people just see the way i am so they cant tell me why i am the way i am. Unless i could really use up the rest of my brain to think about who i am and what i should be doing.

I am talking abt general stuffs about myself, not some specific stuffs. Probably i cant see the big picture, thats y im still stuck in misery.

Its hard to see the big picture, unless ure some god-giver or something. What am i supposed to do now? Am i supposed to be achieving something big or just be low profile? Should I do something about myself that remains undone, or shall i continue to be "myself", whom i dont even know if im the real me?



I saw a dialogue in a tv drama that a man questions a woman, "What is the difference between an expert and a layman?" The woman answered, "By the amount of mistakes you make. Experts tend to make fewer mistakes."

Although they are referring to work and office, but i realise this question could relate to life too. If you had more experiences of life, you make lesser mistakes, and you wont feel the pain of regretting later of making the wrong decision. I am definitely a noob of life.

The things that i wont understand and dont know will not solve today, until i have experienced more.

They call me xiao mei mei, which is true. I am one. I am not kidding. I am still pampered, protected against the realities of life under the arms of good people. I dont know the consequences of hurting people that you know or you dont know. Like my colleague told us before, "You guys are still lucky you are young. You can speak whatever is in your mind. You know what you want and you are not afraid to let it be known."

And den i was thinking, what does she mean by that? isnt something you know what you want, a good thing? thats life right? if not, r u not wasting it by rejecting ur wants and needs?

maybe theres still alot i dont know. which is why i still dont understand yet. But maybe gradually i will.

But one thing i definitely understand is, you cant get anything you want.


Back to my own thoughts, i spoke without thinking to kevin just now. I didnt think how it would hurt him by saying selfish words. I was blinded by my anger. Not that im saying he doesnt. haha. but arent humans all the same? If logic comes back to you soon enough, den you can repent. If not, you are leading your own death.

Whoever dont erred? Its just the matter of how much they err.


Random thoughts. They only weave around me. haha.


Be blogging again soon. =)