My point of view

Every time i go to my window to close it, I wonder about jumping off / death. Would I be better off dead, or if the world is better off without me?

Then I rethink my sudden thought today. I write down quickly to remind myself and for those who find death comforting.

My answer would be, No, it wouldn't. Sure, it would put me out of misery. Sure, my family and friends would be devastated. But it wouldn't change anything. My life wouldn't be better. Their lives would not be better or for worse. It will not affect strangers who doesn't know you, or people who doesn't bother / care. It would probably change ur family or ur close friends, but not much. Life has to go on.

Why not stay alive, and continue to change ur lifestyle if u find it so demeaning? THAT will definitely make ur life better, or probably make people around you better. =) Make a wise choice, after all, we hold our own lives.

Anyway, i thought of this when i finally go for a checkup at polyclinic. I am anxious to solve my own physical problem. I don't want help or pity anymore. I wish to do something about myself. This visit to TTSH is impt to me. Countdown period. 1 month and 1 day. Sigh.

Right now, i can do nothing but go on about everyday life. Probably dwelling isn't my concern now. I have an option, that is to go to the hospital. Must have a positive mind. Even after going to TTSH and doc says there is nothing they can do about it, I must be positive.

This is also something I thought of when i finally thought of finding a job. Someday I have to work to support myself, if not for my family. So stop avoiding work / life and start doing something. Even if it means failure and learn. Learn and get over your failures.

I realise anything that i procrastinate / reluctant to do is mostly bcos of my illness. It seriously affect my way of life, probably my speech too. This is why i decide strongly to change it by visiting doctors and getting appointment at the neroscience dept. I am tired of telling my family and friends that I am born like that, without really knowing the answer myself. And finding excuses that I couldn't do anything about it. Well, that part is true now. So I am hoping that any kind of cure, if there is, would really change everything about me.

Just remember, your life is in your hand. =) Don't be distress. A life only approximately takes 80 years.