my leader just blame me for being unproductive... not that im blaming him for his attitude, (he's actually like that, there's nth i can do abt it) but im really slow... n i noe that... to think i spend 2-3 months doing on two stupid forms n spend 1 week trying to fix another form... u would think im de dumbest person on earth... im not smart which i nv keep telling myself... y? cos since young, i believe im smarter than de rest of my frens.. i study better, i think better... so whenever they score higher than me, i would wonder.. is the hard way(du si shu)of studyin is better than de smarter way? n that, my fren, im always not convinced n terrible jealous of my frens... years passed n i still feel de same... though my bro prove much stronger than me, i still insist that im better than the other girls in my class... i would nv talk to them... maybe it's those thoughts that we cannot communicate... n partially bcos of my quietness.. so whether it's guys or girls, they nv approached me n i nv approached them.. it's during these few years then i begin to think that im a total loser... i nv talk, i nv play, i think highly of myself, i would nv mix, n i nv care abt others... y is that so? im not a single child... i should be a good sis... but i always let my mum worries... im weak, would often fell down in de past... n that is y my mum nv let me n my bro go very independent... we r very dependent on her, maybe till now... my brother had lots of fever in his childhood days so it quite scare her abit... we nv have to worry... n we nv ve to care... she showers us with love... till recently, my bro went into jcs n start teaching himself de way of life from his frens... n me? since i came into poly, i open myself up a little... my mother bcame less worried... she's relieved that my brother has a very good social life n i start to mix with frens... to me, frens are the most impt part of my life cos i nv had any real ones... though i nv care, they r still part of me... if they leave me, i will just feel empty... when a bigger part of my life is gone, i realised just how forgo my feelings are... i nv care too much abt my close brother, let alone the others... now i ve to pick myself up, n take a new lead life... i ve no determination(as what my bro preach), all these take great determination... im feeling that im changing too.. r u? whenever i saw how happy my brother is with his prep or his choir songs, i saw de determination n how lucky he's gotten... he has new founded frens who care for him n who he care abt... he has really found a new lease of life... or rather, he always has this life... just that it gotten better since he came to jc... he's so happy... we r happy n those who make us who we r are our frens... our lives could be happier if ppl starts to make their lives happier for themselves too.. u happy i happy :)